


The Flash Talk

by Liu



Category: DCU, DCU Animated, Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-06
Updated: 2012-03-06
Packaged: 2017-11-01 13:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/357425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liu/pseuds/Liu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Flash decides that someone should give The Talk to Wally and Dick. The unpleasant role falls to him...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Flash Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Again written for a 48-hour challenge: the topic was Flash giving The Talk to KF and Robin. 
> 
> I own no characters used in this story, of course. And I don't know that much about the DC world except having seen the Young Justice cartoon, so feel free to point out any irregularities or downright idiocy to me. Of course I'll be terribly pleased with any comments at all... :3
> 
> Have fun reading :)

Flash groaned and leaned against the wall: something beeped and Batman glared at him. Flash swallowed and pushed away carefully.

“I mean it. They’re growing up. They’ll soon be interested in girls-”

“Robin won’t,” Batman growled and his fingers thundered down onto the poor keyboards with the cadence of a machine gun. Flash merely sighed, wishing he wasn’t in his costume so he could run his hands over his hair in frustration.

“He’s a teenager. You can’t change that. And someone needs to talk to him.”

Batman frowned, and Flash could sense it even through the black mask, boring into him and making him shiver with several different emotions at once. 

They were mostly based on discomfort.

“You’re free to talk to him, if you want to so badly,” Batman huffed and turned to his screens again, “after all, you must’ve already had The Talk with Kid Flash.”

For a few seconds, the heavy silence was interrupted only by the clicking of various keys. Then, even that stopped, and Batman turned to stare at Flash again.

“Right?!” he asked, and Flash merely snickered:

“Of course.”

It couldn’t have fooled anyone, much less Batman, but Flash was gone before Bruce could really say anything about the enormous levels of irresponsibility presented by one Barry Allen.

……………………

Flash truly, madly, deeply hoped he would not find them together. But here they were, sprawled on a couch and furiously thumping away on joysticks and game-controls and however else the plastic things in their hands were called.

On-screen, an epic battle between a black-blue robot named Nightwing and a red-and-yellow Flashinator was well under-way, and Flash simply leaned against the doorway, deciding on whether it was wise to interrupt such a healthy, natural thing as boys playing together.

“Fuck!” Kid Flash cried out, and Flash sighed. Yes… maybe not so healthy after all.

“Wally,” he let his presence be known, and the boy’s eyes widened as he turned to look at his mentor: meanwhile, Robin whooped victoriously and the red robot exploded in a spectacular show of pixelated lights.

“I mean, FACtually, you are going down for this later, Nightwing,” the boy smiled sheepishly, and Flash merely shook his head, stepping into the room and sitting down on a chair near the boys.

“I’m not here to lecture you on your language today. Maybe tomorrow,” he promised with a smirk, and Wally’s shoulders slumped when he realized his slip of the tongue did not go unnoticed.

“Factually,” Flash snickered, “I want to talk to you both.”

He didn’t really WANT to, but he kind of had to, due to Batman’s constant denial of Robin’s puberty (and due to the fact that he himself had refused to see Wally’s for too long).

“What about?” Robin turned his eyes (sunglasses) to him.

“About… um…” Flash muttered and really wished he’d have bought some books earlier on how to approach this. HOW did one go about telling kids about sex?!

“Is this about a mission?”

“No,” he shook his head towards Wally, “more about… birds and bees.”

Both kids raised an eyebrow and shared a glance, then looked back to Flash:

“You want to talk to us about… animals?” Robin confirmed slowly, effectively making Flash feel like he was an idiot.

“No. Yes. Maybe, a bit,” he offered, and he could FEEL that Robin really thought of him as an idiot NOW.

“Yes or no?”

“Well. We could start with animals. You see… birds… lay eggs,” Flash said, feverishly trying to remember how his own parents talked to him about this, but his head remained cautiously blank. Maybe it was such a scarring experience that his mind refused to remember.

“Obviously,” Wally nodded, “and bees don’t. Is this some kinda… ‘accepting diversity since we got a clone, a Martian and a fish in our team’?”

Flash scowled at that:

“It’s not cool to call Aqualad a-”

“God, RELAX, I was kidding,” the damned boy rolled his eyes and Flash briefly felt like strangling his protégé, but that might’ve been the effect of trying to explain penises and vaginas to teenagers. 

“Anyway. I know you’re both smart boys, so no, this is not about… diversity. Well. Maybe a bit…”

“Flash? Do you feel like you are growing apart with Wally?” Robin asked, and damn his Batman-poisoned mind for that psychoanalysis, Flash thought.

“No. It’s… you know girls, right?”

Okay, that was dumb, Flash knew that as soon as it left his mouth, and the boys obviously did too, because they seemed like they had a hard time not snorting – or snickering.

“A few, yes. Is this going anywhere?”

“Yes,” I hope, Flash added mentally. “So. You must’ve noticed that girls look… different.”

“Like M’gann?”

“NO. Like all girls.”

“Why should they look the same? They’re not clones like Supey,” KF seemed genuinely confused, and Flash was definitely feeling the same at the moment.

“I mean. Different from boys.”

“Yeah. Most boys don’t have long hair,” Wally supplied helpfully, and Robin shrugged:

“Some girls don’t have long hair either.”

Flash felt like running to the wall real fast and banging his head against it.

“No. Not hair. More like… chest?”

“Yes. Girls stay slender and boys get wider in the shoulders and chest,” Robin nodded.

“Did you notice… breasts?”

They both made VERY disgusted sounds at the same time. Flash briefly thought that they really might not be ready for The Talk just yet, but… he was already too far gone to walk away, and go through this again sometime later.

“So. Breasts are nice, right?” Flash shrugged and was greeted with more disgust and a double ‘NO’.

“Nevermind, then… let’s start again. You know girls don’t have a penis, right?”

This time, there was so much snickering that the wall started to look extremely inviting to Flash’s head. Yeah, right… teenagers and certain words.

“So. Girls don’t have one, but you do.”

More snickering and giggling, more glances towards the nice, hard wall.

“And when two people like each other very, very much-”

“Like I like Rob?”

“Like I like KF? Or Batman? Or you?”

Flash took a deep breath and tried his best to push the disturbing images from his head.

“NO. A boy and a girl. So. When a boy and a girl like each other very much… sometimes there are babies.”

He knew he’d skipped a few important chapters in that, but… this was HARD.

Wally nodded at that. Flash briefly thought he was off the hook, but then… Robin spoke.

“Is it always a boy and a girl? I think M’gann said that on Mars, there were more genders.”

“In Atlantis too. I think,” Wally supplied and Flash decided he would never, ever ask Manhunter or Aquaman about THOSE particular activities.

“Yes. On Earth, it’s always a boy and a girl.”

“So how about all those same-sex couples? Where do they get babies?” Wally asked, and Robin snorted:

“Storks, like everyone else, you idiot.”

“Hey! I’m not an idiot! And storks are STUPID-” 

Flash felt a brief spark of intense love for his protégé… until he finished his sentence.

“-everyone knows that babies are brought by CROWS!”

“No, storks!”

“That’s so retarded! Everyone knows that storks go away for the winter and crows stay all year! How do you explain babies during winters then?!”

“Well obviously they’re brought FROM the south!”

“How come that all babies don’t have a southern accent then?!”

“Maybe they do! Do you speak baby language?!”

Flash jumped up, his frustration reaching enormous, horrible, unbearable levels. 

“Just Google ‘condoms’ and use them, will you?!” he groaned, slapped his forehead and RAN.

It was not heroic. It was not brave.

It was the only thing to do to preserve his sanity.

……………………

Wally and Dick watched the door slam open and then slam shut. They stared in that direction for a moment, then shrugged it off. Flash would get over whatever it was that overcame him… hopefully.

“Y’know, we could’ve just told him we already had sex-ed in school, like, years ago,” Wally snickered and bumped his knee against Dick’s, turning his head to grin at the other boy, who was busy giggling like crazy.

“If he really thinks that at our age, in THIS age and in THIS city, we’re oblivious to how things work, he’s got it coming.”

“True.”

“Plus, it was fun to watch his brain implode.”

“Dude, we’re so evil… how about a rematch now, Nightwing?”


End file.
